Sibling Rivalry

In any family with more than one child, there will be some degree of sibling rivalry. With an adopted child in the mix with biological children, the dynamic can be even more painful.

"Fairness" always seems to top the list of disputes among siblings. "His glass has more milk in it!" one child will cry, sure now that his sibling holds the place of esteem in the household. While this is exhausting, it provides numerous opportunities for children to learn about their place in the family, as well as how Mom and Dad deal with these situations. Let's take a peek into my living room on a recent week night.

The boys are wrestling with Daddy while I pet the cat on my lap and cheer at appropriate times. Mae desperately wants in on the wrestling action, though my husband reminds her that she tends to get hurt during their rough play. She joins in anyway and is kicked in the face almost instantly. While she sobs on my lap, my oldest hurts his back and wants his turn to be comforted by me. Chaos ensues.

From "Daddy doesn't love me; he never plays with me" to "It's not fair that Mae has been in your lap for so long; it's my turn," all play stops as we take the time to re-explain what "fair" is.

The way we've been handling these frequent fairness issues is by sitting the kids down and talking through exactly what is going on in the moment. It seems, for my children, that generalization does not work in this situation. We reassure Mae that her boo-boo is OK but ask her if she wants an icepack. This validates her injury but also takes the burden of "fixing it" off of me and on to her.

After she is set up next to me on the couch with ice and her blanket, we turn to Ted. A brief back rub and a talk about how, in minute-by-minute detail, his back got hurt are all he needs, and he is on his way again. All of that took about three minutes, at which point Sam is ready for a snuggle, just because. I indulge him, and we all agree that it's time to move into our bedtime routine.

With all my children, snuggle time is the most valuable way to fill up their "love tanks," if you will. Whether it's just a snuggle on the couch, a treasured lap seat during a story, a before-bed massage or a bath time chat, that one-on-one time is key to my children's sense of fairness and well being. As you can imagine, Mae has always needed more - more touch, more hugs, more kisses, more reassurance. As long as I am careful to include what the boys need too, all three of them can end the day feeling like it's been a fair one. And sometimes, that is all they need.

Please chime in! How do you navigate sibling rivalry in your home? Share your tips or stories in the comments section.

Why did we adopt?

My passion for the topic of adoption-related issues began before my children were even born. My husband and I married young; he was twenty-nine and I was twenty-five. We had dated for five years and we both knew early on that we were meant to be together.

We were married in 1998 and promptly moved to another state and both started new jobs. We were eager to start a family but it didn’t come easily for my fickle ovaries. After three years of trying, we sought help and were able to conceive using Clomid. At the time, I was so glad the waiting was over. Little did I realize how important those frustrating three years would be to our family!

During those years, we had many open and honest discussions about what we could and couldn’t afford regarding fertility treatments. We knew Clomid was it for us (I was a doctoral student at the time and any extra money Paul brought in was quickly handed over to the university). Adoption came into the discussion and we both agreed it would be a wonderful way to create a family.

Years later, when I was pregnant with our second, we decided that if he was a boy, we would adopt a daughter. I have a great relationship with my mother, as she did with her mother, and I wanted a daughter too. We joked that Sam was the middle child before he was even born. We were at a “meet the baby” party two months later when I met Elyana, my friend’s daughter from China. Elyana was a few months older than Sam and as I nursed my fussy baby, I gazed at the little girl, overcome with emotion.

I went home that afternoon and reminded Paul that we needed to talk again about adopting our daughter. Since Ted and Sam were so close in age (only eighteen months apart), we decided to start work on our adoption so the three children could all play together. Eighteen months later, my daughter was handed to me in China, nine months old and amazing.

After a blissful honeymoon period in China, I brought my daughter home and our lives began as a family of five. It was not easy. Mae had serious sleep problems and severe attachment issues. Luckily, she adored her big brothers and they accepted her into their world rather easily, at least when she was younger.

As she grew older, we began reaching out for help, chatting with other parents of adopted children, meeting with a therapist once a week, and having many phone consultations with the adoption specialist at our wonderful agency, CCAI. My oldest son, Ted, was going through his own set of problems, both physical (sensory) and emotional (fear of me leaving him). Sam had been a difficult and fussy baby from day one but around three years old, he seemed to relax and be more at peace with himself. It couldn’t have come at a better time. Our whole family was stressed, sleep-deprived and weepy. It was only with help that we learned how to calm and comfort our daughter, as well as how to help Ted with his needs.

The reason I started this blog was to document our lives, especially leading up to and during my time in China. Both my parents and Paul’s family live far away, and this was a way they could stay updated. I tried my hand at blogging and fell in love with it. Through tagging posts, I found that my adoption posts spoke to people in similar situations.

I am re-dedicating this blog to speak to the challenges I have faced, and still face. We are a family with two biological sons, one adopted daughter and two loving parents. We have laughed during the moments of joy and wept during the moments of pain, but we have come out of it stronger for it, and closer as a family.

I invite any and all visitors to leave feedback and/or their own stories in the Comments section. Let us all support one another in this adventure of parenting!

Welcome to my NEW & IMPROVED Adoption blog!

The Daily Grind has served as my own personal calendar, diary, photo album and sounding board while our family learned how to become a family of five. Back in August of 2005 (the very month our daughter was born halfway across the world), I launched The Daily Grind to document our adoption. Interspersed with adoption-related musings, I also kept my friends and family (and my memory) abreast of the boys’ antics. As the years wore on, I was able to express the joys and woes of parenting while also making time to talk about my goals and plans. It’s been a wonderful home for my thoughts, and I’ve loved sharing them with you!

Recently, I’ve had more frequent traffic to my adoption links, with personal and heartfelt emails thanking me for posting and asking me further questions about certain issues. I decided to try “going pro” with this little blog, and seeing if I can help more people in the complex yet rich task of raising our adopted children.

I hope to identify some common issues we all face as adoptive parents and answer some questions about how my family has fared in these areas. I am very excited to review adoption-related resources as well as share some family rituals, house rules and the adoption-friendly language we use in our home. I hope to publish twice a week for the first month. Mondays and Thursdays will be content days and I plan to address feedback and questions on the other days, as well as continue to blog about our family life.

I invite you to subscribe to my RSS feed, follow me, or bookmark the blog, so you don’t ever miss a post!

Join me on Twitter (handle: ellensgrind) or on Facebook (Ellen Kessie Moeller).

I heartily and enthusiastically welcome your feedback, and count on it to keep the topics relevant and tailored to what you need! I am but five years into my journey with my beautiful daughter, and feel as though I’ve learned more in these five years than in my previous thirty-plus! Welcome!

Happy 5th Mae Day!

Today was Mae's 5th Mae Day! 5 years ago today, I spent the day getting to know my little girl. You can take the trip down memory lane with me by reading the post HERE and/or watching the video HERE. I can't believe it's only been 5 years. Truth be told, I can't believe that she is only 5 years old. She is wise beyond her years in so many ways. We spent time watching any and all videos of Mae, eating a delicious array of Chinese food and celebrating with a DQ cake with our friends. Mae especially loves THIS VIDEO (only watch the 1st 5 minutes for in-China footage) where she's all cute and giggly. She is a toughie, there's no doubt about it, but what a joy and a treasure to have her in our lives. We wouldn't have it any other way. Happy Mae Day, Mae-Mae!

a very mature 5

Mae is five and a half. In February, we had a little 5.5 bday celebration for her at Kindergarten. It was my first experience with it for Mae and I was a little nervous. You tell a highlight story from each year and show a picture. My mommy guilt inspired me to make her a poster (I'll take a pic and put it up tomorrow) with about 10 pictures on it. We went through each year and its highlight. What was most interesting to me was how eager Mae was to share her "special book." She is fine with talking about the fact that she was adopted and sharing with her little friends that she has two mommies and two daddies. Noah, whose sister Elyana is from China, sang Happy Birthday to her in Mandarin (!) and everyone seemed more interested in the cookies than the details. In other words, everything I hoped for came true: Mae is comfortable talking about being adopted. And just as beautiful - her friends were very into when she walked and talked and stopped wearing diapers. Kids are amazing, aren't they? They found what was similar, while as adults we tend to notice what is different. Mae had a very happy day. And I relaxed a little inside. It's going to be OK. It's not going to be perfect, but it's OK. This is her reality, and we've been as open about it as possible, and now she is choosing to share it with her friends. Exhale. Repeat.

5 years ago

What a day this was, 5 years ago! February 28 was such a good day for a referral, because it's such a unique date! Click here to read the referral page, or refer to March of 2006 (to the right under Archives) to get the full story of that special day!

Excellent read re Chinese adoptions

People are shocked that the wait time is so long for Chinese girls now. Here is a great summary of a talk given at a Chinese Heritage Camp:

http://chinaadoptiontalk.blogspot.com/2010/07/amy-eldridge-of-lwb-speaks.html

Worth a read.

the birthmother talk

Tonight, Mae made quite a connection between her earliest days and the adoption books we read. We were reading At Home in this World and the lines about the birthparents leaving the baby in a crowded market and her subsequent trip to the police station, followed by the orphanage, spurred quite a discussion. Usually, it begins with "Where did I get leaved, Mama?" and I reply, "At the orphanage, honey." and we move on. Tonight, she said "Did I go to a police station, Mama?" "No," I said. "Your birthparents left you right at the gate of the orphanage. Wasn't that thoughtful?" She regarded me seriously for a minute and then got off my lap and went to get 'her book.' She opened to the page that has pictures of the orphanage and pointed to the half open gate in one of the pictures. "Right here?" she asked. "Yes," I said. "You were found right away because they left you in such a good place." She then flipped a few pages ahead in her book to the picture of us with the orphanage director and the assistant. "She found me," Mae said, pointing to the assistant. "Yes, she probably did," I said. "And she would have brought you in and given you a bottle right away." She continued to look intently at that picture for a minute. Then she put the book away and came back to my lap to finish the book. Hmmm. I wonder. I would love to know what all is going on in her head.

Gotcha Day Anniversary

We celebrated Mae's 3 year Gotcha Day anniversary on Friday night. We had Chinese take out and she picked a Madagascar cake. Ted's been sick so we couldn't have our traditional party with Wendy's crew. It's amazing that she has only been with us for 3 years. I suppose she isn't much more than 3 years old anyway, but it sure feels like she's been with us forEVER! Now that she is getting older and talking more and more about her beginnings, we are starting to talk about returning to China to visit. Ted wants to work in an orphanage for a summer ... I may have to look into whether programs like that exist. The other day Mae asked me why her skin was darker than mine and why we didn't look the same. I answer all her questions as honestly as I can and as 'easily' as I can, so she doesn't pick up any tension in the questions. I want her to always feel that she can ask me anything without it being "weird." So far, so good. Happy Gotcha Day, Mae!

Noodles in China, 2006 and Noodles at home, 2009. Some things never change.

A Girl Day

Believe it or not, I came up with this idea on my own. Mae's been a bit annoying lately, constantly needing to be touching me, demanding equal attention if someone else gets any, that sort of thing. I decided that today (Sam has preschool on Thursdays) we'd have a girls day. We often spend Thursday baking or running errands, which is fun because it's just us, but this, I decided, would be special treats. Girl-style. First we got a coffee while we waited for the nail place to open (in reality, I had a tea because I'm sick and Mae had a hot cocoa). Then we had our nails painted. Mae picked my color (a deep reddish-purple that looked truly frightening to me in the bottle but is actually quite nice on) and her own BRIGHT red. She was SO cute. The Vietnamese lady oohed and aahed over her, and she did so well sitting still and letting her file her nails and everything. She LOVED it. Next we went to the bookstore for a while before going out to lunch. Now, this is the girl who eats sushi and Indian food like it's going out of style but she wanted to go to, of all places, Red Robin. And she wanted Macaroni & Cheese, which she eats at least 3 times per week! Oh well. We went and had a lovely lunch and then wrapped up the day by picking up Sam at school before nap time. Tonight at bedtime we talked about our next "Mommy and Mae Day" (probably next Thursday) and what we would do. I think this extra attention will go a long way towards soothing her insecurities when I compliment the boys. Let's hope!

Filling in the gaps

I met with Marilyn today to talk about Mae's treatment. She wants to do some EMDR with her to stimulate the trauma center of the brain, where she thinks Mae is storing pre-verbal trauma related to her abandonment. Today we talked about 'filling in the gaps' of her adoption story. I made her a book for her 2nd birthday that glossed over the actual abandonment. The only words are "Her parents couldn't take care of her, so they brought her to an orphanage." Marilyn thinks, and she has the support of a large committee of social workers who meet to discuss cases on a monthly basis, that Mae is ready for more detail. Because I don't have many facts, it was comforting to hear that "guessing" was OK. Not that I should fabricate a romantic story of her first few days of life, but that it's OK to say, "We don't know why your Chinese parents couldn't take care of you. Maybe they were very young. What do you think?" Similarily, she thinks it's OK to talk about how confused Mae was on Gotcha Day. She's seen the video, but it's brief, and we didn't document the first 12 hours or so of her new life with Ayi SuSu and me, mostly because she screamed that entire time. While I shouldn't be dramatic about it, it's OK to say, "You were really confused. You probably missed your nanny. I'm glad you felt better after your nap that first day," and so on. So, I have work to do to fill in those areas that I've been hesitant to address directly. But she's ready. She's asked me if she drank her Chinese mommy's milk (all these breastfeeding babies everywhere!), whether her Chinese mommy has long hair (she's pretty sure she does!) and we talk all the time about how much she probably kicked inside her Chinese mommy's tummy. She's eager for information. So we'll give her what we know and wonder together about what we don't.
Another (holiday appropriate timing too!) idea Marilyn had was providing her with a simple staple of child play therapists: the soft dollhouse. Get an Asian family and a Caucasian family. Let her play-act her journey. That's on the Hanukkah list for sure. Whew! I'm glad Mae is ready for this, but I'm still not sure I am!!

Regression

I kept meaning to blog in more detail about Mae's reaction to our reunion but I guess my nose got in the way. On Saturday at the picnic I had a great chat with Renee, Zoe's mom. Her take on it is that Mae has a very strong emotional recall when surrounded by her Huaihua sisters. She's smart enough to understand what being with them is all about, and it probably throws her into complete emotional turmoil to remember, albeit unconsciously, her life before she joined us. And, being the 3rd child, I haven't done much to help her "own" her heritage. She probably identifies more with being Jewish than she does being Chinese. While we get together with Zoe, Angelina and Caitlan on occasion, it's not alot. After this reunion, seeing her withdraw right before my eyes, enduring a return to waking all night long screaming for me ("Mommy, where are you? I want you!") and bearing the brunt of her toddler tantrums ("Mommy! Get me some juice NOW!!") has all been draining. I think I'm willing to give Chinese school a go this Fall. It's a schlep. But it's a good school and a school rich in different activities when the girls are older (dancing, choir, art etc.). She'll be with her friends (Angelina, Zoe, Shayna and Xiao all attend). Maybe, just maybe, putting her in contact with more of her Chinese heritage will help even out all the emotional turmoil into more manageable doses, rather than have it explode in our faces every year at reunion time. I'll call CCAI this week.

Annual CCAI Reunion Picnic

Today was CCAI's 14th Annual Reunion Picnic, at City Park in Denver. Paul had a chavurah guys event, so I was on my own. I truly appreciate the age Ted is at now. We bought a large ladybug balloon at Safeway and tied it to our backpack. That and Mae's 100 Good Wishes Quilt made our area easy to spot. So he could wander off, playing on stilts or waiting in line for a balloon, and find his way back. The kids really loved the dragon dance (the dragon is held up by about 5 dancers who run through the crowd holding it up, with a stream of little Chinese girls running behind them (and Ted, of course). The Lion Dance was awesome too. I ran back to the blanket to grab our sun hats and Ted took about 50 pictures. We got to chat with Renee & Rob (Zoe), Megan (Lucinda), Joanne (Xiao-Xiao), Michael & Rachel (Elyana, and how our eyes were opened to the idea of Chinese adoption in the first place!) and even Beth & Julio (Shayna), albeit briefly. We have got to get more organized about meeting up! Every year I vow to find a way to meet up, but it never pans out. Argh! It was so lovely to see all the girls. There were so few babies this year, with the slowdowns and all. Our girls were pretty much the youngest, with just a smattering of littler ones. I suppose with gas prices, out of towners were less inclined to come this year too, so it seemed less well attended this year. It was still lovely though, and with the heat, the water park was a hit too. A fun day all around!
Lots more pic on moeltini.

Mae's Cribmate (Roommate?)

Sweet Sophia was Mae's roommate in the orphanage. It sounded like there were 4 girls to a room, and I'd swear that Zoe and Addie were also in that room. Mae took to Zoe right away in China. I was unclear if the babies shared cribs, but we were told Sophia was her cribmate, so we'll leave it at that. She was the one "with all the hair!" Crazy long hair on a 9 month old! She's such a cutie. It was great to see them interact. I wonder, when they're teenagers, will they be a huge pack, or will they pair up? It'll be interesting. Our Denver contingent has made a pledge to get together once a month from now on. It's silly that we don't. And, still thinking on this one but, I'm thinking of enrolling Mae in Chinese School at CCAI. That would be a schlep, but we could carpool with Zoe and it's such a good school. We'll see.

Sunday brunch

What a morning! We've decided we need a full week for next year's reunion! A 4-day weekend just isn't enough time. The girls were great today, playing together and having fun. Hooray! More pics on moeltini.

Girls from Left to Right: Big Sister Georgia with Gracie in her lap, Zoe, Kate, Addie, Mae, Sophia, Amber, Caitlan & Angelina.

2008 Reunion

It is so wonderful to see everyone (10 out of 11 families) again! Not only are the girls SO much fun this year, but Amber has a GORGEOUS little brother, Joshua, almost 2, from Taiwan. He is so beautiful and FUN! He hangs out with the girls just fine. Mae was VERY shy and clingy on Friday night and was similarly withdrawn on Saturday. I think it's a bit overwhelming for her. But she talks about it with enthusiasm, just can't quite bring herself to jump in to the fray.

I spent the morning cooking for Sunday's vegan feast! Here's the menu. Mmm. I love brunch!

POTS of coffee
Apple juice
Orange Juice
Peach Coffee Cake
Siena Muffins (almond/orange-esque)
Tempeh Hashbrown Casserole
Spinach & Sun-Dried Tomato Frittata
Watermelon chunks
Sliced Strawberries

Here is a cute pic of Sam in the jumpy castle with Addie. Addie LOVED Sam. And Ted, for that matter. She is a rough and tumble little girl and had a BLAST with them.

Friday

Friday was Mae's Gotcha Day Party. The 'real day' was yesterday, Thursday, but between the kids' schedules, TKD and a Council meeting at Ted's school, there wasn't time to pay it the attention it deserved. So, tonight we had her party. Wendy baked another gorgeous (now a tradition) Butterfly cake. The boys played wildly and happily all night. Henry and Baby Kit got to meet Baby Jacob, all so beautiful! What gorgeous children we all have! We had a Chinese feast from Spice China and lots of mojitos and beer. It was a lovely evening.

2 years! Mae has been in my arms for 2 years. It seems like forever!! Happy 2nd Gotcha Day, Mae HuaiXiang! (More pics on moeltini, although the server is down (Sunday am) so check back soon. Wendy took such great pics!)

two mommies

So, Mae continues to amaze me. I was surprised that I hadn't blogged about our recent discussion, about 2 weeks ago, when the topic of "Chinese mommy" came up in the car. We've talked about it off and on, mostly at night before bed. Tonight we had a long talk. She knows she was in her Chinese mommy's tummy. "Did I kick?" she asked, giggling. I told her I was sure she did! What really got me was when she said, "Maybe my Chinese mommy is mean?" I said I didn't think so. We talked a little about how sad her Chinese mommy must have been because she couldn't take care of her. Mae reached out to touch my face and said, "Now YOU my mommy!" How do people do this without breaking down? How can this innocent little 2 year old so perfectly understand this? Oh man. I can only hope that by keeping the lines of communication open on the subject, she will always feel comfortable talking about it. One of the things another little adopted Chinese girl said (on our initial CCAI video) was that she felt like she hadn't been born, that she was just here. I'm striving to give Mae a beginning ... a sense that her life didn't start at 9 months old.

2 Years Ago Today

Remember? We will never forget. What a day it was.


In more mundane detail, I spent the day in bed with crazy severe nausea and accompanying headache. Or vice versa. It's sort of a chicken and the egg story with me. If I take headache medicine, it makes me nauseous and if I'm nauseous I throw up the medicine. So, which is the true culprit? Sam and Mae played REALLY well all morning while I dozed, puked and sucked on Pedialyte Popsicles (YUCK!). I started feeling better around 2pm and by 3, human! We spent the afternoon at TKD and I even ate dinner - my first real meal all day. I still feel oogey but I know I'm on the mend. Blah!!

Mini Reunion

Whenever Kate's family travels to Colorado to visit, the rest of us get together for a mini 5-family reunion. As usual, this was such a wonderful, special evening. Seeing the girls play together so happily, catching up on all that's happened since our last reunion, planning for our next one, and just hanging out...so much fun. The girls, of course, have changed so much. Except for one thing. Every single time we take a couch photo of girls sans mommies, we get the SAME reaction. From left to right: Angelina wonders what the fuss is all about, Kate gets the giggles, Caitlan cries for Momma, Mae sulks and looks miserable, and Zoe mimics the faces we crazy adults are making to try to get them to smile! How funny. Maybe when they're older they'll all smile!
Then again, look at the moms! What, I wonder, am I doing? And what is Colleen (Caitlan's mom) thinking? Bwa ha ha. What a great night.